dreams and demons

1-IMG_7473it’s been a long time since something has been published here. Sao Paulo is now far away. at this moment L.A. has become my new home for the next couple of months and there are still a lot of brazilian topics in form of drafts. the reason for not publishing them is not just lack of time. most of the time i can’t keep pace with all the changes going on. and there are times that i feel exhausted and emotionally low, probably because of them.

like today.

i decided that writing on this blog should not only be about being totally happy all the time. life also has its weaker moments. and even though nothing serious happened, there are things that are making me lose my balance these days.

first of all i miss my brazilian and german friends very much. this makes me even more aware of how i’m having trouble connecting entirely with the people here. i don’t know if it is because of the age of most students. i’m the oldest one here… but: it’s only 4 days that i’ve been here, so there’s a chance this is going to change. …?!

secondly, i knew that this school would be intense, but THIS intense? this is actually a good thing. we’re all paying a lot of money to learn the skills of a good filmmaker. however, what currently is scaring me is the other students’ talent who are in class with me. they already have ideas for the films they want to shoot during the workshop, and/or they have already shooted some quite good stories (in my opinion). people who know me well, know that it’s hard for me generating ideas. i am more of a person helping others with their ideas. i know i shouldn’t compare myself with them, but i can’t help it: all that makes me think i’m not good or creative enough to do this and i’m not destined to be there. i feel pressure and my expectations of myself are getting higher and higher.

being full of doubts and scared is a terrible feeling. a feeling that can paralyze your creativity.

not meeting my expectations is making me so sad at the moment!
so i try to remember what our teachers said the last three days. for example, that every single one has a story to tell (whether it is good or creative or innovative, or not. there it is, my pessimism!!). we could either talk about happy events, or our demons in our films. demons… hello. there they are again. the motor of this machine in my head has started again… about what i had to deal with the last years, what i am doing and where i am now, and what goals i try to find for my future. sometimes i’m just not sure anymore of what i want and where i wanna be.

when i felt like that before, i was told to focus on the NOW. right now i find it hard to do. i get distracted by all these mixed feelings all the time.

but NOW i am here in Hollywood, literally! i live 5 minutes walk from the Warner Bros. studios. school is just next to it. it’s in Toluca Hills/Burbank, right behind the Hollywood Hills. it’s far from places like Santa Monica, Venice or Marina del Rey (where i spent my stays in the last 5 years), but so lovely! whether it is the sunrise or the sunset, the sun is reflected on the hills in beautiful colors. and it seems like there is sunshine every day!
plus i live in a shared apartment with a nice kitchen, everything comfortably furnished, with a balcony and swimming pools as well as gyms, barbecue places and basketball courts at the Oakwood Apartments. it’s a place where a lot of the NYFA students live. so perfect for networking and making friends!
driving out of oakwood (Oh my, i LOVE driving, especially here!!) what better inspiration can there be for what we are here for than seeing the Warner Bros studios every day?

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knowing that we are only going to have 2-3 days off during the two months, i drove to Venice the first day i was here. when i drove back to Toluca i just cruised without GPS through Santa Monica and Hollywood. that was such a happy serene drive! after all that trouble with the immigration and the rental car, that drive made me fall in love with Los Angeles again…

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tomorrow is another day and things might be better…
but school will keep me busy for the next two months. and if i already feel like this in the beginning, it is possibly going to be turbulent now and then in the next few weeks again. each student is supposed to shoot three movies (short), starting with the first one next monday already!
so if you have any good ideas for short stories, feel free to share them with me, hahaha…

by the way, my countdown box shows that there are only 7 months left until my sabbatical is over. to some 7 months may seem a lot. but i feel like time is running! now i know, the next two months are gonna fly!
by then this current demon will have been killed.

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